22 marzo 2015

Him

This last week Ive been falling asleep while I was thinking on me writing to you, one letter, send it by post, and then it came into my mind this page... Ive been long time without coming here... So I remember once I told you I would write over here for you, in english, one day. Today is that day. Even when is one month already I left, I cant remember the correct pronunciation of most of these words, however, because of this month, I need to write (to) you... I hope you will understand. Even when, while I am witing, I have the light doubt if you would like to read it, or even if you would do it because probably you would tell me... Ive just read the first line and that is... Anyway, feeling better writing. I cant define 'our us', us as friends, us as best friends, us as something else, us as stupids, us taking a tea, us kissing, us drunk, us dancing, us snowing, us smiling, us raining, us in my bed, us eating a pizza, us speaking, us thinking, us with more people around, us saying goodbye... And every of these words have such an important meaning for me and I miss every moment in such quantity that Im just waiting and waiting for one day, maybe and hopefully, we could repeat most of them. Across my mind become pictures of Oxford and you. Probably you dont want to hear/read it, but is the true, I cant lie my self and I know that maybe it will do you to stay apart from me which I dont want, but you dont wish to hurt me, you dont want/ cant (to) be more than a simple friend for me. Is so sad, we are far, and you will meet another(s) girl(s), now or after summer, at uni per sure (!). And I know for you is easier than for me cause your feelings are gone, because it was small amount though for me everything is being weird, I cant stop with this and is not going better. Around four or five days per week I think about: stopping speaking to you, dont answer, stop, dont speak today, resist. Everytime thinking what is the best for us, cause probably you are tired of me some days, others you want to hear about me, mostly when I am trying to keep far away from you. Is going to be one week without listening to your voice, which is worst, without seeing your ugly face, even worst, you eyes... one day serious, other smiling, other dancing, other upset, other with your dog, other with your homeworks... Me forcing you to tell me something beautiful, because tell me that you miss me everyday so I wont forget it, so I dont have to guess it. Because you know I am the guessing queen. And I will guess you have another girl one day, and I will guess you dont want to know nothing about me one day, and I will guess you dont want to see me anymore, and I will guess a world around you, apart from me. The eternal summer that happened where nobody else could see. And I had dreams. I dreamed you and me, traveling around in my car listening to amazing music. I dreamed you and me taking the sun, hearing the waves of the big ocean, and u burned your skin. I dreamed you and me, me looking after you. I dreamed you and me, smiling. You and me, but no anymore. You huging me so close to you that even I can feel it right now. You giving me flowers. You and me having breakfast together. Taking a train to other world... where nobody can control us. At the end of September, that city, experimenting, taking risks. Feeling homeless, again lost. Cause when I was feeling cold you kept me warm. Cause the world looks better through your eyes. And I need you to stay with me and maybe is better for you to tell me that you dont want me anymore, that dont want me to speak to you.