Cosmog-*if the star.

When the world tells that you need to keep going. Leave behind the past and expend this year feeling how time goes. It is being so hard... I want to travel and see you. Be with you, build something beautiful, star a new adventure with someone else, because right now I am feeling so lonely... and Im just doing stupid things because my brain wants to fly and can't stop, because my heart is still alive, so hurted though. And I can't find none close who feels like I do, like you did. Maybe you are the person, my person, we are so far that I can't even guess that nothing could happen for us, to stay, every night, so close, together. And your smile, I can see it and I am long time without seeing it. Because I still remember, I do, you. Can we go back in time? Can we meet before? Can you be for me and be for you? I need hope in these days, and I don't have it around, I can't find in useless things. Can you see hope in people? Because I lost it long time ago. Again this fake smile painting this false pictures, this sad face. And now, who will see them? This guy who loves them for what? I never saw him... can he be like you? I guess, no. Please, I still do. I was feeling so high, I need this drug to live, or other drug to keep moving, I can't more... don't know what to do, don't know what to say, don't know where to go, don't know what to think. I am again, in the middle of nothing, and you are not, and I found you once, and now you are so gone. Please stay with me, because I told you once, I need you to be alive, to feel good, be my drug, my healthy drug, my way to live, my path to follow, my dream to fly, in the sky. Be you, I will be me and we together again us, again. That days, now so far, more than three are passed away... Can't imagine to forget you, to leave my heart so empty is not being possible. What do you want me to do? you were real! I can't change that, you knew me, I knew you. We both. And that strenght you gave me everyday to feel so over the rest, so strong, to be that person I want to be, the person who can help the rest because she knows what to do, she knows how to move, she knows the next step, she knows the right thing, how to enjoy, how to be happy. I wanted to be happy with you, and I still, I do. Find me other place to feel again, but don't go yet.

Night Speech

About life, about our differences. About last night. We had a conversation in which u were right and I was a liar. I didnt mean to lie you, I wanted to lie myself, believe a paper that I need to be to keep you by my side, to keep you speaking with me quite often, day by day, to you dont forget me. I feel sorry but I cant confess to you that Im still feeling for you, but you know it. So I will keep like your nice and good friend, sending pics, making jokes, arguing about life, feeling for our families. Till that day, the day you will find the girl, that girl of your dreams, that girl I wanted to be for you, that girl I started to change myself when I met you. My mind went from down so high and I just miss lots of moments with you. You will say, oh you are so girly, yea you are right, I am (a girl). So when this day arrives, I will just drop so down and deep that I dont think onyone could help me again, as you did once. And thank you because I even couldnt walk out of my house before meeting you, because my smile with my friends was so fake. I didnt find any reason in life, but you. You know, girly stuff, girly thoughts, girly feelings. By the way, dont let me go, I mean, I can stay as your friend I dont mind, Im feeling kind of your friend ''S''. Living like her. So sweety, after this, just wanted to clarify that yea you are right but I have my good reasons, hope you will understand because I dont want you to stop speaking with me or sending me pics from time to time, or videos. And yea, unblock me from fb at some point. You as well did right but if I am girly you are childish doing that. You already told me how things work now, and I know it in my brain, but you know, I have a stupid organ in my chest. So, about last night we wont sleep in the same bed anymore, and you prefer sleeping on the floor rather than in a bed with me, and if I am naked you will cover me with my clothes. I get it. Sadly. And then after all this, you go and say that when we were WE properly, it was just thing of 'a night' and you are going to call it like that. Really? I think is not fair calling it a night when it was six months of going and coming. And Im sure that feelings for both of us went a bit far, mine more than yours but yours as well. Or your eyes were playing with me. And now I am like a sister for you. I know how you appreciate you sisters and you help them a lot. So for me you telling that is something good.Even just for the fact I can hug you and trust you. - David, tell me about that girls or girl... -She is close to granada, she is a nurse. But now she is back to spain to finish her study. - wtf, so she wasnt a nurse? -yea yea she is. But she wants to work with children. - ok. r u kidding me? -no. why? - nothing. ok. so when did u meet her? -I am serious. Quite a while ago now. She is a bit crazy. - mate is only three months I went from there!! wtf is being this? -she is quite jealousy as well. ....................................................................................................................................................................................... - ok. if you liked her, why didnt you tell her to stay with you? to find other way to do what she wants to do? there in uk, with you. -'I wanted her to do what she exactly wanted to, just to feel right'. 'I didnt feel that attached for her'. 'I realized she wasnt for me'. 'We are too different'. 'I wanted her to be happy'. - Probably she wanted you to ask that. Probably she was expecting something else from you. Probably she was broken, and couldnt give more of herself without being sure. Probably she was so confused that didnt know what was true or false. -'Now is late for everything'. - Or maybe never is late for this. Dreamer. Dreams, are not real, they are died. - But you need to let me go 100%, otherwise it is not gonna work. I remember you telling me in a coffee shop, taking tea or coffee or both, you wanted me to hate you, because you werent right. From time to time I hate you, but just because of the fact I would like it to finish in other way, that wrong end... keep falling.

Him

This last week Ive been falling asleep while I was thinking on me writing to you, one letter, send it by post, and then it came into my mind this page... Ive been long time without coming here... So I remember once I told you I would write over here for you, in english, one day. Today is that day. Even when is one month already I left, I cant remember the correct pronunciation of most of these words, however, because of this month, I need to write (to) you... I hope you will understand. Even when, while I am witing, I have the light doubt if you would like to read it, or even if you would do it because probably you would tell me... Ive just read the first line and that is... Anyway, feeling better writing. I cant define 'our us', us as friends, us as best friends, us as something else, us as stupids, us taking a tea, us kissing, us drunk, us dancing, us snowing, us smiling, us raining, us in my bed, us eating a pizza, us speaking, us thinking, us with more people around, us saying goodbye... And every of these words have such an important meaning for me and I miss every moment in such quantity that Im just waiting and waiting for one day, maybe and hopefully, we could repeat most of them. Across my mind become pictures of Oxford and you. Probably you dont want to hear/read it, but is the true, I cant lie my self and I know that maybe it will do you to stay apart from me which I dont want, but you dont wish to hurt me, you dont want/ cant (to) be more than a simple friend for me. Is so sad, we are far, and you will meet another(s) girl(s), now or after summer, at uni per sure (!). And I know for you is easier than for me cause your feelings are gone, because it was small amount though for me everything is being weird, I cant stop with this and is not going better. Around four or five days per week I think about: stopping speaking to you, dont answer, stop, dont speak today, resist. Everytime thinking what is the best for us, cause probably you are tired of me some days, others you want to hear about me, mostly when I am trying to keep far away from you. Is going to be one week without listening to your voice, which is worst, without seeing your ugly face, even worst, you eyes... one day serious, other smiling, other dancing, other upset, other with your dog, other with your homeworks... Me forcing you to tell me something beautiful, because tell me that you miss me everyday so I wont forget it, so I dont have to guess it. Because you know I am the guessing queen. And I will guess you have another girl one day, and I will guess you dont want to know nothing about me one day, and I will guess you dont want to see me anymore, and I will guess a world around you, apart from me. The eternal summer that happened where nobody else could see. And I had dreams. I dreamed you and me, traveling around in my car listening to amazing music. I dreamed you and me taking the sun, hearing the waves of the big ocean, and u burned your skin. I dreamed you and me, me looking after you. I dreamed you and me, smiling. You and me, but no anymore. You huging me so close to you that even I can feel it right now. You giving me flowers. You and me having breakfast together. Taking a train to other world... where nobody can control us. At the end of September, that city, experimenting, taking risks. Feeling homeless, again lost. Cause when I was feeling cold you kept me warm. Cause the world looks better through your eyes. And I need you to stay with me and maybe is better for you to tell me that you dont want me anymore, that dont want me to speak to you.

Meses al tras.

Ya hacen mas que dias que decidimos acabar nuestra historia juntos. Hacen mas de cien alientos que no sigues a mi lado. Mas de mil llantos... Al tras de tres, te sigo echando de menos... Sigo pensando que te quiero, y ya no se si es la costumbre de mi cuerpo o una cabezoneria mia por no olvidarte. Aun tengo la sensacion de que eramos algo que nunca se acabaria, una historia hasta la muerte. Esas lagrimas recorren mis mejillas menos que antes, pero aqui estan, sobreviviendo al igual que este sentimiento que me invita a hacer estupideces, y ahora que estas lejos, mis estupideces son tan envano, no hayan respuesta alguna, quizas mejor el silencio al no reiterado. Pues aun recuerdo aquel dia, mi locura, mis gritos, aun recuerdo la ultima vez que dormimos juntos, yo no dormi, fue una noche tan corta a pesar de ello... Queria que todo se parase, esa esperanza de que al amanecer todo se arreglaria... Ese amanecer que amenazaba. Despues de esto solo queria verte, siguiendo con esa esperanza desoladora, cogiendote la mano, abrazandote, deseando que nuestras bocas se acercaran atraidas por el amor. Pero cuando llegaba el final de esa visita, nada habia ocurrido, y mi esperanza destruida estallaba en forma de llanto, depresion y mas locura. Pero que es el amor sino locura. Y bueno, aunque sigo mi camino, aun estas en todos mis escritos, aun quiero que me leas, espero que me comprendas, y ojala que te enamores de mi de nuevo. Aunque mi cerebro sigue recordandome a diario que ya no me quieres, que sigues tu camino y yo he de seguir el mio. No es que este estancada, pero voy tropezandome a cada paso que doy, siguiendo atada al pasado por mi propio corazon, se que suena estupido. Yo que niego todo esto, la gente lo ve en mi mirada. Es una autentica mierda tener que vivir esto. Se que de todo se aprende y esto se supone que algun dia me hara mas fuerte y seguramente otro alguien algun dia tenga que agradecerte a ti una parte de la persona que llegare a ser. Pero ahora esos pensamientos me son inutiles, inhertes. Y ya ves, otro turno de noche acordandome de ti, como en los viejos tiempos, mientras te imaginaba a ti durmiendo solo en nuestra cama... Aun tengo la foto en la que sales durmiendo, pareces tan feliz y relajado... llego a pensar que estabamos bien, que todo estara bien. Todos nuestros viajes, cuando la gente me pregunta que si he estado en un sitio u otro y yo respondo que si, y me callo el contigo, mi mente se llena de sonrisas y besos del pasado, y solo quiero tener todo eso de nuevo. No espero respuesta.

Entre lineas y sin acentos

Hace tiempo me di cuenta que la vida nunca ocurre como planeas, te llevas decepciones a diario sin saber como reaccionar, haciendo que tu camino tome un rumbo diverso, demostrandote lo dura que es la vida y la soledad unida a la independencia. Egoismo. Ese agujero negro vuelve a invadir tu cerebro sin hayar solucion alguna mas que el silencio de la noche oscura sin estrellas. Al tiempo, sin referirme segundos o minutos, te das cuenta de que te hundistes demasiado y porque estabas demasiado alto. Ahora te encuentras en el medio, sin querer preocuparte demasiado, seguramente por tu pasado. Temes y al rato encuentras ese rango de tranquilidad que dura segundos, suficiente como para sacarte una sonrisa y enamorarte algo mas de la vida. Volver a creer en dragones. Sigues esperando otra estrella fugaz a la que cambiar tu suerte. Ultimamente vuelas mucho, cambiando de lugares, siendo dinamica mas de lo usual. El volar ya no es algo especial, sino rutinario y necesario, un habito. Sabes que necesitas el olor del mar, escuchar esa cancion adentrandose en tu cabeza, cerrar los ojos y recordar el pasado, aunque sea solo por un rato, y dejar abrir ese rio que se esconde dentro de ti. Observar ese infinito imaginando que es el equivalente a la vida, a ese instante, hasta que se acaba y tienes que volver la vista a la realidad, aunque sabes que volvera en algun momento. -Siempre llega el momento en el que dejas de dormir con mariposas y llegan los lobos-. Empiezo a comprender porque me gustan tanto el tiempo de las hojas caidas, cuando pudes andar sobre ellas haciendo melodias, donde los colores se vuelven intensos y diversos, es la tristeza de la vida reflejada, el paso del todo.

el ahora

No segura le volvió a preguntar de nuevo, y él ya no le respondía, cansado de decir lo mismo una y otra vez. Pero ella sólo quería volver a oírlo, a sentirlo, a escuchar su voz... Su mirada se cruzaba entre medias de un mar de lágrimas que se ahogan por dentro, hasta que ya no lo hizo más. Y sólo quedó su falsa sonrisa. Cuando no tenía que aparentar se escondía entre las sombras de su soledad, fijando la mirada en cosas sin importancia para no distraerse. Simplemente quería divagar de un lado a otro, pensar en lo que ya no tenía, en su círculo... hasta darse cuenta de que, efectivamente, se encontraba en la soledad, ya era seguro. Podía rendirse al olvido y desear otras cosas en su interior, aunque no quería ser como las demás que lo soltaban todo, solamente decidió tragar, y seguir divagando. Mirando tras los cristales del autobús, unas veces llenos de vaho, otras con gotas de la lluvia, y otras simplemente esperando a volver a ver el sol, un amanecer...

Volviendo a casa se dio cuenta de que había sido un día largo, sin provecho como de costumbre, en el que le faltaba algo, o alguien, y aún lo tenía que descubrir, así que se mantenía en espera. Intermitente. Siguió observando, hasta recordar ese color... Ese día de tormenta, mejor en plural. Ese azul que ni es, ni deja de ser. Ese adiós al día, hola a ti. Luna y estrellas. Al silencio de los crímenes, a las sirenas de los peligros, a las farolas tiritando de frío, a mi madrugando... Con un vuelta a empezar en la rutina.

Pensaba que esto iba a ser de otra forma, pero una vez más, lo bonito tendrá que esperar, quizás a mi muerte. Los sueños, eso son, y no van más allá. Las ideas, se quedan en la cabeza. El valor, se queda parado, cediendo a la cobardía y el miedo. Y cuando no pueda, estoy segura de que entonces vendrá, para reírse de mí en mi cara de anciana y de fragilidad. De cristal lleno de polvo. Hasta romperse, arrepintiéndome.

Y ya sólo me queda el reflejo de tus ojos.-

Cuando todo era remoto...

De eso que te paras a pensar, miras a tu alrededor, y todo se vuelve insignificante. Estas con personas que apenas conoces de unos meses, has abandonado todo aquello que suponía un tiempo prolongable. Te has largado, fugado, cual estrella. Has huido de aquellos que te conocían por miedo a aburrirles con tus mismas historias, porque te decían, no, si en ti esto es normal, si ya te conocemos, si tu siempre haces esto, lo otro... Ahora la gente cree que son cosas novedosas, y te das cuenta del error de los nuevos, se sorprenden. Y de nuevo, no te entienden. Por la falta de tiempo. No comprenden. Y la persona que esta más cerca tuya es la que sientes más lejos... y no necesitas eso. Como no variante, te vuelves a subir a la nube, creas un campo de tristeza y desesperación en el que nadie de aquí puede entrar, y sólo aceptas a la rutina de estos días. Queriendo variar algo y sin poder hacerlo, demostrando creatividad e ideología, y cayendo, limitado el tiempo. Donde quedó aquel lienzo, esta mi alma escondida, esperando latente a que vuelva, a sentir el tacto del pincel, esparciendo colores, que no son solo eso, pensamientos nostálgicos de un atardecer en el que no había que pensar nada. Te expandes hacia un mundo paralelo, donde las fotografías de un tiempo pasado vuelven a tu cabeza, y hueles la lluvia, sientes la humedad, escuchas las gotas en un charco, los niños riendo... la soledad, que es tranquila. Y la escritura que te lleva a estar bajo un árbol, en un tiempo otoñal pero sin frío, donde el sol aún se deja ver. Mientras se caen las hojas frente a tu mirado obsoleta en un cuaderno, medio escrito, medio pintado, por ti y para ti. Y sólo escuchas los pájaros cantando, las flores intentando sobrevivir, como tú en este universo. Intentas crear algo que no existe y luchas para hacerlo real, pero te das cuenta de que no puedes, porque nadie más realmente quiere, y cuando encuentras a alguien... ya esta tan cansado de intentarlo que se han rendido como solución. Sólo que no entiendo que siga siendo todo tan poco mágico... Que nadie se pare, y sonría, no en respuesta a otra sonrisa, o porque alguien le ha hecho reír, sino porque es capaz de sentir el viento flotando, los olores pasando de un lado a otro, la naturaleza viviendo y compartiendo sin más.

Cualquier instante es bueno para vivir... y para morir.

-El frío se apodera de mis entrañas.-