Quizas nunca nadie

De eso que piensas, qué estoy haciendo con mi vida? Puedo ver como pasa dia tras dia y yo en esta habitacion metida con mis pensamientos, mis sonrisas perdidas, desechadas sin que nadie las mire, echando de menos al pasado y a sus fantasmas que me dieron esta soledad. Monto estrategias, cada vez mas variopintas para terminar con esto, y veo que solo me llevarian en un año a donde estoy ahora. Y me decido por tomarme las cosas con calma, ver hacia donde va el tiempo. Cada noche antes de acostarme me digo, sigo el dia de hoy o me voy ya a la cama y enciendo el cielo de estrellas con su luna? Y me decido por soñar, por volar y cerrar los ojos y dejarme ir. Decido que mañana sea otro dia, ese dia en el que le haga caso al despertador, sin apagarlo y que me deje alzar mis alas una hora y media mas como me ocurre a diario. Decido ser la chica responsable que un dia fue, sere aquella que no se levante de la silla, que no aparte la cabeza del libro, durante toda la mañana, que no le de por coger los colores y pintar, por hacer garabatos en todos los bordes de las hojas, por levantarse e ir a picar algo, por coger el mechero, encender todas esas velas de mi habitacion, y a la media hora exacta ir apagando una por una para oler y expandir ese olor por toda mi habitacion. No sere aquella que no pueda aguantar ni cinco minutos sin escuchar la musica, esa musica que me inspira y me hace saltar de la emocion, que me incita a buscar la letra y cantar y hacer el tonto, sabes? esa musica que me ayuda a no pensar en el pasado. No sere esa que te recuerda y de extraña, no sere esa que esta deseando volver a verte y que por un par de dias nos cojamos de la mano y seamos lo que un dia fuimos y lo que no volveremos a ser. Y dejarme creerme lo que no quieres que crea. Porque juegas con mi mente como juegas con cualquiera de ellas. Y yo, no quiero ser una mas. Quiero sentirme tan unica como unico tu eres. Y quiero que la gente se de cuenta de que ser yo, tal y como soy, no es algo malo y negativo como piensan, sino es una ventaja y una autosuperacion, y yo quiero que no me tengan envidia ni se aparten de mi lado por temor a no saber como manejar ciertas situaciones conmigo. Por eso, por todo, dejame sin dejarme y quedate conmigo, quedate a mi lado sin tener que estar todo el tiempo, pero ven a visitarme de vez en cuando, y si, cogeme de la mano aunque sea un par de dias y finjamos. Aunque quizas nunca nadie lo sepa, aunque quizas este sea el mejor secreto guardado de la historia. Pero vivamos juntos.

Wau! Almost lost!!

Lets go to make this three weeks more for going back in time. Im going to be behind the months, until february with you, our last time. Cant wait for meeting you again, after that day, me crying in the bus station, telling goodbye to you... almost couldnt let you go, I wanted to keep holding your hand until the end of the world. So from august my dreams r full of hopes, can imagine us huging in town, having so much fun, dancing, making fun of everything, three days full of crazyness... and your eyes and mine talking between them without us even realizing from time to time. Would love english to be my first language to express myself as well as I do with spanish... anyway, u knew everything already before I left that place... u told me, that girly friend, or no friend... we were everything anyway. Yesterday I saw a film, not gonna say the name, one romantic and pathetic film... one of the girls was a blogger, I mean, she works and earns money with that, I would like too! but Im not that good, neither have the enough time for doing it every day or every week. Whatever, she was doing something that was making her happy... but girls, we are crazy, all of us, our hormones are up and down all the time. Sometimes we are agree that we are doing the right thing, so happy inside us... but we have days, some days, quite few days, when we are not good, so we decide to change... the thing is, if that days are a lot and in a continuo mood, we make a big and huge change, something crazy and unexpected, probably leaving important stuff behind... so, how long are you gonna take to realize u need to go back in time? that decision wasnt the right one, u made it too fast. Might be some months or one year... and then sometimes, some of us, remind ourselves that we took that move and we cant give up on it because it was our own sense having this change... wait, what? so afer one year, of wrong stuff, you want to keep going with ur wrong mistake... I mean, yea, what? u might have lost one year, but dont loose anymore. u always can go back, and give u time to make another mistake, from mistake to mistake life goes quick, u dont realize, u keep learning and improving, growing, in ur wonderfull world. So, some weeks ago, I asked myself, wau... it seems one month ago when I wanted to die, when my life messed down and I was on the floor, lying, without moving... then some friends started to stand up myself and I was like DAMN! I am a strong and pretty girl, I can do it and more, and that guy, well u were the first one after all, and others guys, u know what? fck off all of them! bc Im tired of being romantic, of giving love and they just deceive me. I deserve a lot more of it, I am and we are amazing girls, we are awesome... They are loosers and we are winners of our own life. I love being who I am, love being where I am right now, and in the future I might be here or I might be in other planet, but still me with my thoughts and my dreams.

Dreamers.This kind of person.

Dreamers: This kind of person who appears in your life and you cant trust it is real, it is being such a dream. It was just one week I met you... and this week has been full of feelings going up and down... should I trust you? Who are you? How are we getting into it so quick? So Ive been all the time thinking it was a joke of someone or a guy trying to have pics from me... I put you under a continue prove and Ive questioned you all the time, giving you a list of things to do before this week became to an end. I was worried when you were telling me you where going out too much one day, I think I was comparing you with my last boyfriend, the one who more has hurted me in my life... Sometimes you give too much to a person thinking that is the person for all your life, you trust in that person and don't think anything can be wrong. You think that person will be there for you always you need even if this means being bad for a whole month... But people get tired and wasted, and none, not even your family, can support more than his own body. So, Jeroen, be yourself, believe in you, keep your dreams, go as far as you can, and support yourself because none is gonna do it for you. Ive found a light on you and still can't explain it... Im telling about you to all my friends because I know it is crazy. My friends know me and saw me falling in love of one guy... Today my friend asked me to be careful with you because I seemed to be feeling too much about a guy I just met from a week. We live far and Im sorry about that... Im counting the days to see you and stay with you and sleep with you and I just hope we both can be happy. We are dreamers and I guess because of that we have had problems in our lifes... Dreams are not bad, but we need to take care. I know you dont want to hurt me, I am sure, but sometimes you hurt someone without knowing it and I am a quite sensitive girl (I think you have seen it already). Today was a big day for me... maybe u won't understand... but I was waiting for a guy like you all my life. This is why we are going so fast and you are getting so deep on me and I am planning from now until three months more with you without even seeing you... we are a bit crazy, I love it. Im a bit sad now, but at the same time I am happy you told me something else about you... I love knowing you and meeting you and sharing with you. I love your smile, I can see you hide so much happiness inside that I want you to stay with me so I will see you growing up as an awesome person. I just hope WE are possible and this is not just a dream... Want to stay with you everynight and take care of you and I hope you are gonna trust me when I say you need to eat better (have breakfast) and start smoking less (start later the first). So thank you for this week already done, and hope we keep making weeks, months, years, and a life. I want to stay there for you, always, even if I am just a friend, I dont mind, I think you deserve it and more! Hope you have a beautiful sleep and get better for tomorrow... Im gonna trust you and please dont lie to me never ever. Thanks for appearing in my life. I already do.

Cosmog-*if the star.

When the world tells that you need to keep going. Leave behind the past and expend this year feeling how time goes. It is being so hard... I want to travel and see you. Be with you, build something beautiful, star a new adventure with someone else, because right now I am feeling so lonely... and Im just doing stupid things because my brain wants to fly and can't stop, because my heart is still alive, so hurted though. And I can't find none close who feels like I do, like you did. Maybe you are the person, my person, we are so far that I can't even guess that nothing could happen for us, to stay, every night, so close, together. And your smile, I can see it and I am long time without seeing it. Because I still remember, I do, you. Can we go back in time? Can we meet before? Can you be for me and be for you? I need hope in these days, and I don't have it around, I can't find in useless things. Can you see hope in people? Because I lost it long time ago. Again this fake smile painting this false pictures, this sad face. And now, who will see them? This guy who loves them for what? I never saw him... can he be like you? I guess, no. Please, I still do. I was feeling so high, I need this drug to live, or other drug to keep moving, I can't more... don't know what to do, don't know what to say, don't know where to go, don't know what to think. I am again, in the middle of nothing, and you are not, and I found you once, and now you are so gone. Please stay with me, because I told you once, I need you to be alive, to feel good, be my drug, my healthy drug, my way to live, my path to follow, my dream to fly, in the sky. Be you, I will be me and we together again us, again. That days, now so far, more than three are passed away... Can't imagine to forget you, to leave my heart so empty is not being possible. What do you want me to do? you were real! I can't change that, you knew me, I knew you. We both. And that strenght you gave me everyday to feel so over the rest, so strong, to be that person I want to be, the person who can help the rest because she knows what to do, she knows how to move, she knows the next step, she knows the right thing, how to enjoy, how to be happy. I wanted to be happy with you, and I still, I do. Find me other place to feel again, but don't go yet.

Night Speech

About life, about our differences. About last night. We had a conversation in which u were right and I was a liar. I didnt mean to lie you, I wanted to lie myself, believe a paper that I need to be to keep you by my side, to keep you speaking with me quite often, day by day, to you dont forget me. I feel sorry but I cant confess to you that Im still feeling for you, but you know it. So I will keep like your nice and good friend, sending pics, making jokes, arguing about life, feeling for our families. Till that day, the day you will find the girl, that girl of your dreams, that girl I wanted to be for you, that girl I started to change myself when I met you. My mind went from down so high and I just miss lots of moments with you. You will say, oh you are so girly, yea you are right, I am (a girl). So when this day arrives, I will just drop so down and deep that I dont think onyone could help me again, as you did once. And thank you because I even couldnt walk out of my house before meeting you, because my smile with my friends was so fake. I didnt find any reason in life, but you. You know, girly stuff, girly thoughts, girly feelings. By the way, dont let me go, I mean, I can stay as your friend I dont mind, Im feeling kind of your friend ''S''. Living like her. So sweety, after this, just wanted to clarify that yea you are right but I have my good reasons, hope you will understand because I dont want you to stop speaking with me or sending me pics from time to time, or videos. And yea, unblock me from fb at some point. You as well did right but if I am girly you are childish doing that. You already told me how things work now, and I know it in my brain, but you know, I have a stupid organ in my chest. So, about last night we wont sleep in the same bed anymore, and you prefer sleeping on the floor rather than in a bed with me, and if I am naked you will cover me with my clothes. I get it. Sadly. And then after all this, you go and say that when we were WE properly, it was just thing of 'a night' and you are going to call it like that. Really? I think is not fair calling it a night when it was six months of going and coming. And Im sure that feelings for both of us went a bit far, mine more than yours but yours as well. Or your eyes were playing with me. And now I am like a sister for you. I know how you appreciate you sisters and you help them a lot. So for me you telling that is something good.Even just for the fact I can hug you and trust you. - David, tell me about that girls or girl... -She is close to granada, she is a nurse. But now she is back to spain to finish her study. - wtf, so she wasnt a nurse? -yea yea she is. But she wants to work with children. - ok. r u kidding me? -no. why? - nothing. ok. so when did u meet her? -I am serious. Quite a while ago now. She is a bit crazy. - mate is only three months I went from there!! wtf is being this? -she is quite jealousy as well. ....................................................................................................................................................................................... - ok. if you liked her, why didnt you tell her to stay with you? to find other way to do what she wants to do? there in uk, with you. -'I wanted her to do what she exactly wanted to, just to feel right'. 'I didnt feel that attached for her'. 'I realized she wasnt for me'. 'We are too different'. 'I wanted her to be happy'. - Probably she wanted you to ask that. Probably she was expecting something else from you. Probably she was broken, and couldnt give more of herself without being sure. Probably she was so confused that didnt know what was true or false. -'Now is late for everything'. - Or maybe never is late for this. Dreamer. Dreams, are not real, they are died. - But you need to let me go 100%, otherwise it is not gonna work. I remember you telling me in a coffee shop, taking tea or coffee or both, you wanted me to hate you, because you werent right. From time to time I hate you, but just because of the fact I would like it to finish in other way, that wrong end... keep falling.

Him

This last week Ive been falling asleep while I was thinking on me writing to you, one letter, send it by post, and then it came into my mind this page... Ive been long time without coming here... So I remember once I told you I would write over here for you, in english, one day. Today is that day. Even when is one month already I left, I cant remember the correct pronunciation of most of these words, however, because of this month, I need to write (to) you... I hope you will understand. Even when, while I am witing, I have the light doubt if you would like to read it, or even if you would do it because probably you would tell me... Ive just read the first line and that is... Anyway, feeling better writing. I cant define 'our us', us as friends, us as best friends, us as something else, us as stupids, us taking a tea, us kissing, us drunk, us dancing, us snowing, us smiling, us raining, us in my bed, us eating a pizza, us speaking, us thinking, us with more people around, us saying goodbye... And every of these words have such an important meaning for me and I miss every moment in such quantity that Im just waiting and waiting for one day, maybe and hopefully, we could repeat most of them. Across my mind become pictures of Oxford and you. Probably you dont want to hear/read it, but is the true, I cant lie my self and I know that maybe it will do you to stay apart from me which I dont want, but you dont wish to hurt me, you dont want/ cant (to) be more than a simple friend for me. Is so sad, we are far, and you will meet another(s) girl(s), now or after summer, at uni per sure (!). And I know for you is easier than for me cause your feelings are gone, because it was small amount though for me everything is being weird, I cant stop with this and is not going better. Around four or five days per week I think about: stopping speaking to you, dont answer, stop, dont speak today, resist. Everytime thinking what is the best for us, cause probably you are tired of me some days, others you want to hear about me, mostly when I am trying to keep far away from you. Is going to be one week without listening to your voice, which is worst, without seeing your ugly face, even worst, you eyes... one day serious, other smiling, other dancing, other upset, other with your dog, other with your homeworks... Me forcing you to tell me something beautiful, because tell me that you miss me everyday so I wont forget it, so I dont have to guess it. Because you know I am the guessing queen. And I will guess you have another girl one day, and I will guess you dont want to know nothing about me one day, and I will guess you dont want to see me anymore, and I will guess a world around you, apart from me. The eternal summer that happened where nobody else could see. And I had dreams. I dreamed you and me, traveling around in my car listening to amazing music. I dreamed you and me taking the sun, hearing the waves of the big ocean, and u burned your skin. I dreamed you and me, me looking after you. I dreamed you and me, smiling. You and me, but no anymore. You huging me so close to you that even I can feel it right now. You giving me flowers. You and me having breakfast together. Taking a train to other world... where nobody can control us. At the end of September, that city, experimenting, taking risks. Feeling homeless, again lost. Cause when I was feeling cold you kept me warm. Cause the world looks better through your eyes. And I need you to stay with me and maybe is better for you to tell me that you dont want me anymore, that dont want me to speak to you.

Meses al tras.

Ya hacen mas que dias que decidimos acabar nuestra historia juntos. Hacen mas de cien alientos que no sigues a mi lado. Mas de mil llantos... Al tras de tres, te sigo echando de menos... Sigo pensando que te quiero, y ya no se si es la costumbre de mi cuerpo o una cabezoneria mia por no olvidarte. Aun tengo la sensacion de que eramos algo que nunca se acabaria, una historia hasta la muerte. Esas lagrimas recorren mis mejillas menos que antes, pero aqui estan, sobreviviendo al igual que este sentimiento que me invita a hacer estupideces, y ahora que estas lejos, mis estupideces son tan envano, no hayan respuesta alguna, quizas mejor el silencio al no reiterado. Pues aun recuerdo aquel dia, mi locura, mis gritos, aun recuerdo la ultima vez que dormimos juntos, yo no dormi, fue una noche tan corta a pesar de ello... Queria que todo se parase, esa esperanza de que al amanecer todo se arreglaria... Ese amanecer que amenazaba. Despues de esto solo queria verte, siguiendo con esa esperanza desoladora, cogiendote la mano, abrazandote, deseando que nuestras bocas se acercaran atraidas por el amor. Pero cuando llegaba el final de esa visita, nada habia ocurrido, y mi esperanza destruida estallaba en forma de llanto, depresion y mas locura. Pero que es el amor sino locura. Y bueno, aunque sigo mi camino, aun estas en todos mis escritos, aun quiero que me leas, espero que me comprendas, y ojala que te enamores de mi de nuevo. Aunque mi cerebro sigue recordandome a diario que ya no me quieres, que sigues tu camino y yo he de seguir el mio. No es que este estancada, pero voy tropezandome a cada paso que doy, siguiendo atada al pasado por mi propio corazon, se que suena estupido. Yo que niego todo esto, la gente lo ve en mi mirada. Es una autentica mierda tener que vivir esto. Se que de todo se aprende y esto se supone que algun dia me hara mas fuerte y seguramente otro alguien algun dia tenga que agradecerte a ti una parte de la persona que llegare a ser. Pero ahora esos pensamientos me son inutiles, inhertes. Y ya ves, otro turno de noche acordandome de ti, como en los viejos tiempos, mientras te imaginaba a ti durmiendo solo en nuestra cama... Aun tengo la foto en la que sales durmiendo, pareces tan feliz y relajado... llego a pensar que estabamos bien, que todo estara bien. Todos nuestros viajes, cuando la gente me pregunta que si he estado en un sitio u otro y yo respondo que si, y me callo el contigo, mi mente se llena de sonrisas y besos del pasado, y solo quiero tener todo eso de nuevo. No espero respuesta.