You

Why are you the last person I want to dissapear from this world even when you are not in my life? I can expend weeks without knowing about you while I keep my mind inside of light stuff. These days, planning to see you in a bit more of one week, we are talking oftener than usual, so I am going back to where I was before, missing you and asking myself stupids questions, cheating around your new friends, old friends, old pics with old comments, girls and more girls around... You know me, I am always going to be that jealous girl who want to be sure of everything and ask you stupid questions because of my overthinker brain. But as I get closer to you, I can see how you go away, and then, in a couple of days, you give me some excuse like you were busy with some stuff, tho it is never a girl... What about the day you are gonna tell me you have found that girl?... And the wedding? omg, hope I am first, you broke already my heart when you stop talking me for a couple of months... I dont know where we are, well yes, as we talk, we are friends... lets see those day that are coming closer, and then again, going far, and at least other six months. And I have such stupid hope on you, I dont want to give up, I am trying, but I can see next summer trying to forget all my past, all those days that are going from february. I came back in a different person, probably because of you. I am kinda of better at home, but I feel so lonely... My friends cant understand me and every month I loose one of them, they give up, cant see, cant think, cant believe who I am, how I am... I cant move, so every month I keep inside my room more time, I expend time writing and drawing, and mostly thinking and listening to music. Am I still real? I thought to be a writer, designer... I have tidied up all my room, throwed away lot of shit. I had shit from 2008 dude. All gone now. It was mostly papper work, books of studies, notes, doddles... My sick brain... Even I have been asked myself if I need treatmen, Am I ill? idk. You know what I know... You know how I think... But I am guessing to myself, do I know you? or you were playing all the time this game to manage with me? Am I stupid to go there? I dont know what I am doing, what we are doing with this and your funny shower and your alright size room but no the biggest but you dont complaint at all... Anyway, nevermind, keep giving a shit of everything, it is good, you are good, and all alright.

Quizas nunca nadie

De eso que piensas, qué estoy haciendo con mi vida? Puedo ver como pasa dia tras dia y yo en esta habitacion metida con mis pensamientos, mis sonrisas perdidas, desechadas sin que nadie las mire, echando de menos al pasado y a sus fantasmas que me dieron esta soledad. Monto estrategias, cada vez mas variopintas para terminar con esto, y veo que solo me llevarian en un año a donde estoy ahora. Y me decido por tomarme las cosas con calma, ver hacia donde va el tiempo. Cada noche antes de acostarme me digo, sigo el dia de hoy o me voy ya a la cama y enciendo el cielo de estrellas con su luna? Y me decido por soñar, por volar y cerrar los ojos y dejarme ir. Decido que mañana sea otro dia, ese dia en el que le haga caso al despertador, sin apagarlo y que me deje alzar mis alas una hora y media mas como me ocurre a diario. Decido ser la chica responsable que un dia fue, sere aquella que no se levante de la silla, que no aparte la cabeza del libro, durante toda la mañana, que no le de por coger los colores y pintar, por hacer garabatos en todos los bordes de las hojas, por levantarse e ir a picar algo, por coger el mechero, encender todas esas velas de mi habitacion, y a la media hora exacta ir apagando una por una para oler y expandir ese olor por toda mi habitacion. No sere aquella que no pueda aguantar ni cinco minutos sin escuchar la musica, esa musica que me inspira y me hace saltar de la emocion, que me incita a buscar la letra y cantar y hacer el tonto, sabes? esa musica que me ayuda a no pensar en el pasado. No sere esa que te recuerda y de extraña, no sere esa que esta deseando volver a verte y que por un par de dias nos cojamos de la mano y seamos lo que un dia fuimos y lo que no volveremos a ser. Y dejarme creerme lo que no quieres que crea. Porque juegas con mi mente como juegas con cualquiera de ellas. Y yo, no quiero ser una mas. Quiero sentirme tan unica como unico tu eres. Y quiero que la gente se de cuenta de que ser yo, tal y como soy, no es algo malo y negativo como piensan, sino es una ventaja y una autosuperacion, y yo quiero que no me tengan envidia ni se aparten de mi lado por temor a no saber como manejar ciertas situaciones conmigo. Por eso, por todo, dejame sin dejarme y quedate conmigo, quedate a mi lado sin tener que estar todo el tiempo, pero ven a visitarme de vez en cuando, y si, cogeme de la mano aunque sea un par de dias y finjamos. Aunque quizas nunca nadie lo sepa, aunque quizas este sea el mejor secreto guardado de la historia. Pero vivamos juntos.

Wau! Almost lost!!

Lets go to make this three weeks more for going back in time. Im going to be behind the months, until february with you, our last time. Cant wait for meeting you again, after that day, me crying in the bus station, telling goodbye to you... almost couldnt let you go, I wanted to keep holding your hand until the end of the world. So from august my dreams r full of hopes, can imagine us huging in town, having so much fun, dancing, making fun of everything, three days full of crazyness... and your eyes and mine talking between them without us even realizing from time to time. Would love english to be my first language to express myself as well as I do with spanish... anyway, u knew everything already before I left that place... u told me, that girly friend, or no friend... we were everything anyway. Yesterday I saw a film, not gonna say the name, one romantic and pathetic film... one of the girls was a blogger, I mean, she works and earns money with that, I would like too! but Im not that good, neither have the enough time for doing it every day or every week. Whatever, she was doing something that was making her happy... but girls, we are crazy, all of us, our hormones are up and down all the time. Sometimes we are agree that we are doing the right thing, so happy inside us... but we have days, some days, quite few days, when we are not good, so we decide to change... the thing is, if that days are a lot and in a continuo mood, we make a big and huge change, something crazy and unexpected, probably leaving important stuff behind... so, how long are you gonna take to realize u need to go back in time? that decision wasnt the right one, u made it too fast. Might be some months or one year... and then sometimes, some of us, remind ourselves that we took that move and we cant give up on it because it was our own sense having this change... wait, what? so afer one year, of wrong stuff, you want to keep going with ur wrong mistake... I mean, yea, what? u might have lost one year, but dont loose anymore. u always can go back, and give u time to make another mistake, from mistake to mistake life goes quick, u dont realize, u keep learning and improving, growing, in ur wonderfull world. So, some weeks ago, I asked myself, wau... it seems one month ago when I wanted to die, when my life messed down and I was on the floor, lying, without moving... then some friends started to stand up myself and I was like DAMN! I am a strong and pretty girl, I can do it and more, and that guy, well u were the first one after all, and others guys, u know what? fck off all of them! bc Im tired of being romantic, of giving love and they just deceive me. I deserve a lot more of it, I am and we are amazing girls, we are awesome... They are loosers and we are winners of our own life. I love being who I am, love being where I am right now, and in the future I might be here or I might be in other planet, but still me with my thoughts and my dreams.